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  1. strategic
    first year of having a baby! I didn’t realize that at the time but I sure felt like that was happening. Oh my goodness those first couple years are so tough. It gets exponentially easier. On your attachment question. I will give you some background and then tell you how I use this in my practice. On the September 2016 Call on introducing the Developmental Model, Ellyn explained these styles and how they fit into the model (https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/september-26-2014-at-11am-pacific-time/): “Attachment Styles except from that call: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth looked at what went on in those early years in terms of what type of attachment the child formed with each parent. Most children have a different attachment style with each parent. Bowlby described three patterns and Ainsworth added a fourth: Secure Attachment: The securely attached child seeks contact with a parent, accepts soothing and is able to go on being playful and exploring the environment. Insecure Attachment: The parent is only intermittently available and these kids develop an anxiety around their parents being reliable. They are prone to separation anxiety and clinging which interrupts their exploration of the world. Anxious Avoidant Attachment: This child also grows up with a parent who isn’t reliable and the child learns they can’t rely or expect the parent to be a safe haven for them. The child often internally decides, “I’ll do it myself” or “I don’t need you” and they start to develop their own coping mechanisms for soothing rather than relying on the parent for affection and connection. Disorganized Attachment: These are kids that come out of really disorganized families with abuse, addiction, neglect or multiple caregivers so there’s no opportunity for a secure attachment to develop. These are the hardest to work with in couples therapy.” So what I do with couples is start to get sense if they are either more secure, anxious, avoidant, or chaotic in their pattern on relating to their partner today. Particularly I want to know what happens when their limbic system is activate and how they act out in stress. What do they do when they personalize something? Do they tend to attack or withdrawal. I will also ask them about their relationships with their primary caregivers and memories from childhood. And I remember they may have different attachment styles with different caregivers. There are some formal assessments you can use but I mainly glean from how they answer questions about how they treat each other and how they were treated as a child by their caregivers.
  2. strategic
    first year of having a baby! I didn’t realize that at the time but I sure felt like that was happening. Oh my goodness those first couple years are so tough. It gets exponentially easier. On your attachment question. I will give you some background and then tell you how I use this in my practice. On the September 2016 Call on introducing the Developmental Model, Ellyn explained these styles and how they fit into the model (https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/september-26-2014-at-11am-pacific-time/): “Attachment Styles except from that call: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth looked at what went on in those early years in terms of what type of attachment the child formed with each parent. Most children have a different attachment style with each parent. Bowlby described three patterns and Ainsworth added a fourth: Secure Attachment: The securely attached child seeks contact with a parent, accepts soothing and is able to go on being playful and exploring the environment. Insecure Attachment: The parent is only intermittently available and these kids develop an anxiety around their parents being reliable. They are prone to separation anxiety and clinging which interrupts their exploration of the world. Anxious Avoidant Attachment: This child also grows up with a parent who isn’t reliable and the child learns they can’t rely or expect the parent to be a safe haven for them. The child often internally decides, “I’ll do it myself” or “I don’t need you” and they start to develop their own coping mechanisms for soothing rather than relying on the parent for affection and connection. Disorganized Attachment: These are kids that come out of really disorganized families with abuse, addiction, neglect or multiple caregivers so there’s no opportunity for a secure attachment to develop. These are the hardest to work with in couples therapy.” So what I do with couples is start to get sense if they are either more secure, anxious, avoidant, or chaotic in their pattern on relating to their partner today. Particularly I want to know what happens when their limbic system is activate and how they act out in stress. What do they do when they personalize something? Do they tend to attack or withdrawal. I will also ask them about their relationships with their primary caregivers and memories from childhood. And I remember they may have different attachment styles with different caregivers. There are some formal assessments you can use but I mainly glean from how they answer questions about how they treat each other and how they were treated as a child by their caregivers.first year of having a baby! I didn’t realize that at the time but I sure felt like that was happening. Oh my goodness those first couple years are so tough. It gets exponentially easier. On your attachment question. I will give you some background and then tell you how I use this in my practice. On the September 2016 Call on introducing the Developmental Model, Ellyn explained these styles and how they fit into the model (https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/september-26-2014-at-11am-pacific-time/): “Attachment Styles except from that call: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth looked at what went on in those early years in terms of what type of attachment the child formed with each parent. Most children have a different attachment style with each parent. Bowlby described three patterns and Ainsworth added a fourth: Secure Attachment: The securely attached child seeks contact with a parent, accepts soothing and is able to go on being playful and exploring the environment. Insecure Attachment: The parent is only intermittently available and these kids develop an anxiety around their parents being reliable. They are prone to separation anxiety and clinging which interrupts their exploration of the world. Anxious Avoidant Attachment: This child also grows up with a parent who isn’t reliable and the child learns they can’t rely or expect the parent to be a safe haven for them. The child often internally decides, “I’ll do it myself” or “I don’t need you” and they start to develop their own coping mechanisms for soothing rather than relying on the parent for affection and connection. Disorganized Attachment: These are kids that come out of really disorganized families with abuse, addiction, neglect or multiple caregivers so there’s no opportunity for a secure attachment to develop. These are the hardest to work with in couples therapy.” So what I do with couples is start to get sense if they are either more secure, anxious, avoidant, or chaotic in their pattern on relating to their partner today. Particularly I want to know what happens when their limbic system is activate and how they act out in stress. What do they do when they personalize something? Do they tend to attack or withdrawal. I will also ask them about their relationships with their primary caregivers and memories from childhood. And I remember they may have different attachment styles with different caregivers. There are some formal assessments you can use but I mainly glean from how they answer questions about how they treat each other and how they were treated as a child by their caregivers.first year of having a baby! I didn’t realize that at the time but I sure felt like that was happening. Oh my goodness those first couple years are so tough. It gets exponentially easier. On your attachment question. I will give you some background and then tell you how I use this in my practice. On the September 2016 Call on introducing the Developmental Model, Ellyn explained these styles and how they fit into the model (https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/september-26-2014-at-11am-pacific-time/): “Attachment Styles except from that call: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth looked at what went on in those early years in terms of what type of attachment the child formed with each parent. Most children have a different attachment style with each parent. Bowlby described three patterns and Ainsworth added a fourth: Secure Attachment: The securely attached child seeks contact with a parent, accepts soothing and is able to go on being playful and exploring the environment. Insecure Attachment: The parent is only intermittently available and these kids develop an anxiety around their parents being reliable. They are prone to separation anxiety and clinging which interrupts their exploration of the world. Anxious Avoidant Attachment: This child also grows up with a parent who isn’t reliable and the child learns they can’t rely or expect the parent to be a safe haven for them. The child often internally decides, “I’ll do it myself” or “I don’t need you” and they start to develop their own coping mechanisms for soothing rather than relying on the parent for affection and connection. Disorganized Attachment: These are kids that come out of really disorganized families with abuse, addiction, neglect or multiple caregivers so there’s no opportunity for a secure attachment to develop. These are the hardest to work with in couples therapy.” So what I do with couples is start to get sense if they are either more secure, anxious, avoidant, or chaotic in their pattern on relating to their partner today. Particularly I want to know what happens when their limbic system is activate and how they act out in stress. What do they do when they personalize something? Do they tend to attack or withdrawal. I will also ask them about their relationships with their primary caregivers and memories from childhood. And I remember they may have different attachment styles with different caregivers. There are some formal assessments you can use but I mainly glean from how they answer questions about how they treat each other and how they were treated as a child by their caregivers.first year of having a baby! I didn’t realize that at the time but I sure felt like that was happening. Oh my goodness those first couple years are so tough. It gets exponentially easier. On your attachment question. I will give you some background and then tell you how I use this in my practice. On the September 2016 Call on introducing the Developmental Model, Ellyn explained these styles and how they fit into the model (https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/september-26-2014-at-11am-pacific-time/): “Attachment Styles except from that call: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth looked at what went on in those early years in terms of what type of attachment the child formed with each parent. Most children have a different attachment style with each parent. Bowlby described three patterns and Ainsworth added a fourth: Secure Attachment: The securely attached child seeks contact with a parent, accepts soothing and is able to go on being playful and exploring the environment. Insecure Attachment: The parent is only intermittently available and these kids develop an anxiety around their parents being reliable. They are prone to separation anxiety and clinging which interrupts their exploration of the world. Anxious Avoidant Attachment: This child also grows up with a parent who isn’t reliable and the child learns they can’t rely or expect the parent to be a safe haven for them. The child often internally decides, “I’ll do it myself” or “I don’t need you” and they start to develop their own coping mechanisms for soothing rather than relying on the parent for affection and connection. Disorganized Attachment: These are kids that come out of really disorganized families with abuse, addiction, neglect or multiple caregivers so there’s no opportunity for a secure attachment to develop. These are the hardest to work with in couples therapy.” So what I do with couples is start to get sense if they are either more secure, anxious, avoidant, or chaotic in their pattern on relating to their partner today. Particularly I want to know what happens when their limbic system is activate and how they act out in stress. What do they do when they personalize something? Do they tend to attack or withdrawal. I will also ask them about their relationships with their primary caregivers and memories from childhood. And I remember they may have different attachment styles with different caregivers. There are some formal assessments you can use but I mainly glean from how they answer questions about how they treat each other and how they were treated as a child by their caregivers.
  3. strategic
    first year of having a baby! I didn’t realize that at the time but I sure felt like that was happening. Oh my goodness those first couple years are so tough. It gets exponentially easier. On your attachment question. I will give you some background and then tell you how I use this in my practice. On the September 2016 Call on introducing the Developmental Model, Ellyn explained these styles and how they fit into the model (https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/september-26-2014-at-11am-pacific-time/): “Attachment Styles except from that call: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth looked at what went on in those early years in terms of what type of attachment the child formed with each parent. Most children have a different attachment style with each parent. Bowlby described three patterns and Ainsworth added a fourth: Secure Attachment: The securely attached child seeks contact with a parent, accepts soothing and is able to go on being playful and exploring the environment. Insecure Attachment: The parent is only intermittently available and these kids develop an anxiety around their parents being reliable. They are prone to separation anxiety and clinging which interrupts their exploration of the world. Anxious Avoidant Attachment: This child also grows up with a parent who isn’t reliable and the child learns they can’t rely or expect the parent to be a safe haven for them. The child often internally decides, “I’ll do it myself” or “I don’t need you” and they start to develop their own coping mechanisms for soothing rather than relying on the parent for affection and connection. Disorganized Attachment: These are kids that come out of really disorganized families with abuse, addiction, neglect or multiple caregivers so there’s no opportunity for a secure attachment to develop. These are the hardest to work with in couples therapy.” So what I do with couples is start to get sense if they are either more secure, anxious, avoidant, or chaotic in their pattern on relating to their partner today. Particularly I want to know what happens when their limbic system is activate and how they act out in stress. What do they do when they personalize something? Do they tend to attack or withdrawal. I will also ask them about their relationships with their primary caregivers and memories from childhood. And I remember they may have different attachment styles with different caregivers. There are some formal assessments you can use but I mainly glean from how they answer questions about how they treat each other and how they were treated as a child by their caregivers.first year of having a baby! I didn’t realize that at the time but I sure felt like that was happening. Oh my goodness those first couple years are so tough. It gets exponentially easier. On your attachment question. I will give you some background and then tell you how I use this in my practice. On the September 2016 Call on introducing the Developmental Model, Ellyn explained these styles and how they fit into the model (https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/september-26-2014-at-11am-pacific-time/): “Attachment Styles except from that call: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth looked at what went on in those early years in terms of what type of attachment the child formed with each parent. Most children have a different attachment style with each parent. Bowlby described three patterns and Ainsworth added a fourth: Secure Attachment: The securely attached child seeks contact with a parent, accepts soothing and is able to go on being playful and exploring the environment. Insecure Attachment: The parent is only intermittently available and these kids develop an anxiety around their parents being reliable. They are prone to separation anxiety and clinging which interrupts their exploration of the world. Anxious Avoidant Attachment: This child also grows up with a parent who isn’t reliable and the child learns they can’t rely or expect the parent to be a safe haven for them. The child often internally decides, “I’ll do it myself” or “I don’t need you” and they start to develop their own coping mechanisms for soothing rather than relying on the parent for affection and connection. Disorganized Attachment: These are kids that come out of really disorganized families with abuse, addiction, neglect or multiple caregivers so there’s no opportunity for a secure attachment to develop. These are the hardest to work with in couples therapy.” So what I do with couples is start to get sense if they are either more secure, anxious, avoidant, or chaotic in their pattern on relating to their partner today. Particularly I want to know what happens when their limbic system is activate and how they act out in stress. What do they do when they personalize something? Do they tend to attack or withdrawal. I will also ask them about their relationships with their primary caregivers and memories from childhood. And I remember they may have different attachment styles with different caregivers. There are some formal assessments you can use but I mainly glean from how they answer questions about how they treat each other and how they were treated as a child by their caregivers.first year of having a baby! I didn’t realize that at the time but I sure felt like that was happening. Oh my goodness those first couple years are so tough. It gets exponentially easier. On your attachment question. I will give you some background and then tell you how I use this in my practice. On the September 2016 Call on introducing the Developmental Model, Ellyn explained these styles and how they fit into the model (https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/september-26-2014-at-11am-pacific-time/): “Attachment Styles except from that call: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth looked at what went on in those early years in terms of what type of attachment the child formed with each parent. Most children have a different attachment style with each parent. Bowlby described three patterns and Ainsworth added a fourth: Secure Attachment: The securely attached child seeks contact with a parent, accepts soothing and is able to go on being playful and exploring the environment. Insecure Attachment: The parent is only intermittently available and these kids develop an anxiety around their parents being reliable. They are prone to separation anxiety and clinging which interrupts their exploration of the world. Anxious Avoidant Attachment: This child also grows up with a parent who isn’t reliable and the child learns they can’t rely or expect the parent to be a safe haven for them. The child often internally decides, “I’ll do it myself” or “I don’t need you” and they start to develop their own coping mechanisms for soothing rather than relying on the parent for affection and connection. Disorganized Attachment: These are kids that come out of really disorganized families with abuse, addiction, neglect or multiple caregivers so there’s no opportunity for a secure attachment to develop. These are the hardest to work with in couples therapy.” So what I do with couples is start to get sense if they are either more secure, anxious, avoidant, or chaotic in their pattern on relating to their partner today. Particularly I want to know what happens when their limbic system is activate and how they act out in stress. What do they do when they personalize something? Do they tend to attack or withdrawal. I will also ask them about their relationships with their primary caregivers and memories from childhood. And I remember they may have different attachment styles with different caregivers. There are some formal assessments you can use but I mainly glean from how they answer questions about how they treat each other and how they were treated as a child by their caregivers.first year of having a baby! I didn’t realize that at the time but I sure felt like that was happening. Oh my goodness those first couple years are so tough. It gets exponentially easier. On your attachment question. I will give you some background and then tell you how I use this in my practice. On the September 2016 Call on introducing the Developmental Model, Ellyn explained these styles and how they fit into the model (https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/september-26-2014-at-11am-pacific-time/): “Attachment Styles except from that call: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth looked at what went on in those early years in terms of what type of attachment the child formed with each parent. Most children have a different attachment style with each parent. Bowlby described three patterns and Ainsworth added a fourth: Secure Attachment: The securely attached child seeks contact with a parent, accepts soothing and is able to go on being playful and exploring the environment. Insecure Attachment: The parent is only intermittently available and these kids develop an anxiety around their parents being reliable. They are prone to separation anxiety and clinging which interrupts their exploration of the world. Anxious Avoidant Attachment: This child also grows up with a parent who isn’t reliable and the child learns they can’t rely or expect the parent to be a safe haven for them. The child often internally decides, “I’ll do it myself” or “I don’t need you” and they start to develop their own coping mechanisms for soothing rather than relying on the parent for affection and connection. Disorganized Attachment: These are kids that come out of really disorganized families with abuse, addiction, neglect or multiple caregivers so there’s no opportunity for a secure attachment to develop. These are the hardest to work with in couples therapy.” So what I do with couples is start to get sense if they are either more secure, anxious, avoidant, or chaotic in their pattern on relating to their partner today. Particularly I want to know what happens when their limbic system is activate and how they act out in stress. What do they do when they personalize something? Do they tend to attack or withdrawal. I will also ask them about their relationships with their primary caregivers and memories from childhood. And I remember they may have different attachment styles with different caregivers. There are some formal assessments you can use but I mainly glean from how they answer questions about how they treat each other and how they were treated as a child by their caregivers.first year of having a baby! I didn’t realize that at the time but I sure felt like that was happening. Oh my goodness those first couple years are so tough. It gets exponentially easier. On your attachment question. I will give you some background and then tell you how I use this in my practice. On the September 2016 Call on introducing the Developmental Model, Ellyn explained these styles and how they fit into the model (https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/september-26-2014-at-11am-pacific-time/): “Attachment Styles except from that call: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth looked at what went on in those early years in terms of what type of attachment the child formed with each parent. Most children have a different attachment style with each parent. Bowlby described three patterns and Ainsworth added a fourth: Secure Attachment: The securely attached child seeks contact with a parent, accepts soothing and is able to go on being playful and exploring the environment. Insecure Attachment: The parent is only intermittently available and these kids develop an anxiety around their parents being reliable. They are prone to separation anxiety and clinging which interrupts their exploration of the world. Anxious Avoidant Attachment: This child also grows up with a parent who isn’t reliable and the child learns they can’t rely or expect the parent to be a safe haven for them. The child often internally decides, “I’ll do it myself” or “I don’t need you” and they start to develop their own coping mechanisms for soothing rather than relying on the parent for affection and connection. Disorganized Attachment: These are kids that come out of really disorganized families with abuse, addiction, neglect or multiple caregivers so there’s no opportunity for a secure attachment to develop. These are the hardest to work with in couples therapy.” So what I do with couples is start to get sense if they are either more secure, anxious, avoidant, or chaotic in their pattern on relating to their partner today. Particularly I want to know what happens when their limbic system is activate and how they act out in stress. What do they do when they personalize something? Do they tend to attack or withdrawal. I will also ask them about their relationships with their primary caregivers and memories from childhood. And I remember they may have different attachment styles with different caregivers. There are some formal assessments you can use but I mainly glean from how they answer questions about how they treat each other and how they were treated as a child by their caregivers.first year of having a baby! I didn’t realize that at the time but I sure felt like that was happening. Oh my goodness those first couple years are so tough. It gets exponentially easier. On your attachment question. I will give you some background and then tell you how I use this in my practice. On the September 2016 Call on introducing the Developmental Model, Ellyn explained these styles and how they fit into the model (https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/september-26-2014-at-11am-pacific-time/): “Attachment Styles except from that call: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth looked at what went on in those early years in terms of what type of attachment the child formed with each parent. Most children have a different attachment style with each parent. Bowlby described three patterns and Ainsworth added a fourth: Secure Attachment: The securely attached child seeks contact with a parent, accepts soothing and is able to go on being playful and exploring the environment. Insecure Attachment: The parent is only intermittently available and these kids develop an anxiety around their parents being reliable. They are prone to separation anxiety and clinging which interrupts their exploration of the world. Anxious Avoidant Attachment: This child also grows up with a parent who isn’t reliable and the child learns they can’t rely or expect the parent to be a safe haven for them. The child often internally decides, “I’ll do it myself” or “I don’t need you” and they start to develop their own coping mechanisms for soothing rather than relying on the parent for affection and connection. Disorganized Attachment: These are kids that come out of really disorganized families with abuse, addiction, neglect or multiple caregivers so there’s no opportunity for a secure attachment to develop. These are the hardest to work with in couples therapy.” So what I do with couples is start to get sense if they are either more secure, anxious, avoidant, or chaotic in their pattern on relating to their partner today. Particularly I want to know what happens when their limbic system is activate and how they act out in stress. What do they do when they personalize something? Do they tend to attack or withdrawal. I will also ask them about their relationships with their primary caregivers and memories from childhood. And I remember they may have different attachment styles with different caregivers. There are some formal assessments you can use but I mainly glean from how they answer questions about how they treat each other and how they were treated as a child by their caregivers.first year of having a baby! I didn’t realize that at the time but I sure felt like that was happening. Oh my goodness those first couple years are so tough. It gets exponentially easier. On your attachment question. I will give you some background and then tell you how I use this in my practice. On the September 2016 Call on introducing the Developmental Model, Ellyn explained these styles and how they fit into the model (https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/september-26-2014-at-11am-pacific-time/): “Attachment Styles except from that call: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth looked at what went on in those early years in terms of what type of attachment the child formed with each parent. Most children have a different attachment style with each parent. Bowlby described three patterns and Ainsworth added a fourth: Secure Attachment: The securely attached child seeks contact with a parent, accepts soothing and is able to go on being playful and exploring the environment. Insecure Attachment: The parent is only intermittently available and these kids develop an anxiety around their parents being reliable. They are prone to separation anxiety and clinging which interrupts their exploration of the world. Anxious Avoidant Attachment: This child also grows up with a parent who isn’t reliable and the child learns they can’t rely or expect the parent to be a safe haven for them. The child often internally decides, “I’ll do it myself” or “I don’t need you” and they start to develop their own coping mechanisms for soothing rather than relying on the parent for affection and connection. Disorganized Attachment: These are kids that come out of really disorganized families with abuse, addiction, neglect or multiple caregivers so there’s no opportunity for a secure attachment to develop. These are the hardest to work with in couples therapy.” So what I do with couples is start to get sense if they are either more secure, anxious, avoidant, or chaotic in their pattern on relating to their partner today. Particularly I want to know what happens when their limbic system is activate and how they act out in stress. What do they do when they personalize something? Do they tend to attack or withdrawal. I will also ask them about their relationships with their primary caregivers and memories from childhood. And I remember they may have different attachment styles with different caregivers. There are some formal assessments you can use but I mainly glean from how they answer questions about how they treat each other and how they were treated as a child by their caregivers.first year of having a baby! I didn’t realize that at the time but I sure felt like that was happening. Oh my goodness those first couple years are so tough. It gets exponentially easier. On your attachment question. I will give you some background and then tell you how I use this in my practice. On the September 2016 Call on introducing the Developmental Model, Ellyn explained these styles and how they fit into the model (https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/september-26-2014-at-11am-pacific-time/): “Attachment Styles except from that call: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth looked at what went on in those early years in terms of what type of attachment the child formed with each parent. Most children have a different attachment style with each parent. Bowlby described three patterns and Ainsworth added a fourth: Secure Attachment: The securely attached child seeks contact with a parent, accepts soothing and is able to go on being playful and exploring the environment. Insecure Attachment: The parent is only intermittently available and these kids develop an anxiety around their parents being reliable. They are prone to separation anxiety and clinging which interrupts their exploration of the world. Anxious Avoidant Attachment: This child also grows up with a parent who isn’t reliable and the child learns they can’t rely or expect the parent to be a safe haven for them. The child often internally decides, “I’ll do it myself” or “I don’t need you” and they start to develop their own coping mechanisms for soothing rather than relying on the parent for affection and connection. Disorganized Attachment: These are kids that come out of really disorganized families with abuse, addiction, neglect or multiple caregivers so there’s no opportunity for a secure attachment to develop. These are the hardest to work with in couples therapy.” So what I do with couples is start to get sense if they are either more secure, anxious, avoidant, or chaotic in their pattern on relating to their partner today. Particularly I want to know what happens when their limbic system is activate and how they act out in stress. What do they do when they personalize something? Do they tend to attack or withdrawal. I will also ask them about their relationships with their primary caregivers and memories from childhood. And I remember they may have different attachment styles with different caregivers. There are some formal assessments you can use but I mainly glean from how they answer questions about how they treat each other and how they were treated as a child by their caregivers.

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